things i couldn't say.

the emails came and she read them all. he told her he loved her and lamented the love she couldn't return. she read them over and over. each word, each line, until they were committed to memory. her finger hovered over the reply button, but never tapped down.

she didn't know how to articulate her feelings. how she mourned the love he had for her. she knew he believed it to be real, but she wondered if it was love at all. or simply attachment. or worse, fear.

she had her own fears. the parade of dates, always wanting. taking, taking. she began to fear she would never be loved and wondered if she had left the only man who would or could love her. she had begun to realize that the dates were a distraction. that she must feel the loss. the loneliness. she must grieve instead of bury. each date a shovel of dirt over the past she didn't want to remember. memories she didn't want to see. she knew she was also taking. using new faces to mask his. new voices to cover cruel words spoken. new words, full of false sentiment, to polish her insecurities.

and she knew he was wrong.

she did love him. he was the only love she'd ever known. it was a love more honest than a feeling. the forever kind. no amount of abuse or dysfunction could smother it. it smoldered still, fighting to crackle into flame with just the right amount of fuel. those emails fanned it, blowing fear and insecurity onto the embers. but even with burning bones, she knew fear was no way to love. and love was nothing if built from fear.

she couldn't go back. wouldn't. her feet were tired of running. soles cracked and raw from so many false starts and then that final freedom sprint.

and so her finger hovered, but never replied.